


in that dream moving slow through the morning

by majesdane



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:14:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five first kisses. | <i>Well, Jenna says. She does have that effect on people, doesn't she?</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	in that dream moving slow through the morning

tomorrow doesn't exist. this moment alone is mine, and i am only who  
exists in this instant, which might be the last of the self i pretend to be.  
\-- ricardo reis

   
 

 **by the kissing rock.**  
   
Oh, Jenna says, and Emily looks up to see her standing at the edge of the little clearing around the kissing rock. She's got a messenger bag slung over one shoulder. Sorry, Jenna continues, coming in a bit closer and pulling off her sunglasses, hanging them on the collar of her t-shirt. I didn't think that anyone would be here. It seemed like a nice place to read.  
   
It's okay, Emily says.  
   
What were you doing here?  
   
Nothing. I just like coming here sometimes. Like you said, it's a nice place.  
   
I bet this is one of Alison's favorite places, isn't it? Jenna remarks conversationally, surveying the area. She must notice the surprised look on Emily's face, because she adds, Oh, I mean, because all the boys at our school like her. I bet she's got a running tally going of how many guys have brought her up here.  
   
Emily snorts. Yeah, that's probably true, she says, and it comes out sounding a lot more bitter than she intends.  
   
I know you're in love with her, Jenna says suddenly. Not accusingly, just matter-of-factly.  
   
Emily flushes. Who --, she starts, quickly catching herself. And then, once she realizes that she's just given herself away completely anyway, says, Who told you? She isn't sure why she feels the need to lower her voice to just above a whisper, since there's no one around to hear them. And anyway, Jenna doesn't care -- Emily doesn't think so, anyway.  
   
No one had to tell me. Jenna flashes her a knowing smile. It's pretty obvious. If you're trying to keep it a secret, you're not doing a very good job. Just so you know.  
   
I'm _not_ , you know, Emily says, embarrassed. I mean, I'm not like -- you know. It's just a thing. It's just _her_. She feels the need to convince Jenna of this, even though Jenna looks like she isn't buying it at all. I swear, Emily tries again. It's not like I'm some kind of --  
   
She can't even say the damn word. It gets stuck in her throat and she wavers off awkwardly, flushing again. She stares at the ground, tries to concentrate on the feeling of the cool, rough texture of the rock underneath her palms.  Jenna looks like she's stuck somewhere halfway between amusement and pity; Emily can't quite read the expression on her face.  
   
Well, Jenna says. She does have that effect on people, doesn't she?  
   
Emily can only nod dumbly, still avoiding Jenna's gaze.  
   
And then suddenly Jenna is like, _right there_ , leaning against the kissing rock with her face so very close to Emily's. Um, Emily says, because, well, she doesn't really know what Jenna's doing. She thinks maybe she should just get up and leave, but she doesn't seem to be able to. Her body is rebelling against her mind.  
   
I was thinking, Jenna says, like this is all very normal, I was thinking that, you know, there's a way to tell if it's really just an Ali thing or, well. A girl thing.  
   
I don't know, Emily says slowly. Truthfully, there's a little part of her that is fairly certain that it _isn't_ just an Ali thing. But she's barely even admitted it to herself yet -- still hoping that maybe, _maybe_ someday she'll wake up and be completely normal -- nor to anyone else. And she certainly isn't about to tell that to Jenna right now, for lots and lots of reasons, but mostly because: it's Jenna, and Emily barely knows her.  
   
Just once, Jenna presses. Don't you want to know?  
   
And well, Emily just wants Jenna to leave her alone, so she shrugs and says _fine_ , as nonchalantly as she can manage. Jenna smiles as if she's won something -- and maybe she has -- and stands up on tiptoe, hands on Emily's thighs, to kiss her full on the mouth.  
   
The worst part is: it's nice. Really, _really_ nice, and Emily's heart sinks as she realizes this.  
   
So, Jenna says, after she pulls away. She stares at Emily, head cocked to the side, waiting for an answer.  
   
Emily shakes her head, wipes her mouth on the sleeve of her hoodie. Yeah, she says, no offense, but I think it's just an Ali thing. Like I said.  
   
It's a total, _total_ lie. And they both know it; Emily can see the corners of Jenna's mouth twitching upwards into a smile. It's what finally enables her to push herself off the kissing rock, wiping her hands on her jeans and brushing the hair out of her eyes.  
   
I've got to go, she says, more to the rock than Jenna, who just nods and lets her go.  
   
Thankfully.  
 

   
 **on the cavanaugh's front porch.**  
   
Please, Emily, Jenna says, half annoyed and half amused. You don't really think it was _you_ I was jealous of, do you?  
   
I-I don't know what you mean, Emily replies in a quiet, timid voice that says she knows _exactly_ what it is that Jenna means. Jenna can imagine Emily standing in front of her, blushing a bright, bright red color, while trying desperately to hide the panic that's so obvious in her voice.  
   
Jenna tightens her grip around Emily's wrist, just a little. Don't be coy, she says. It doesn't suit you at all. She pulls Emily towards her and there's a tiny gasp of surprise as suddenly Emily is right up in front of her; Jenna can feel Emily's breath, faint and warm on her cheek.  
   
And then it just _happens_. Jenna leans forward -- and Emily must too -- and their mouths meet somewhere in the middle. It's a sort of lopsided, awkward kind of kiss, because Jenna can't see Emily's face and she has no idea what to do with her hands, but it's still nice. _Really_ nice, actually, and Jenna's a little surprised that in all of the times she'd thought about kissing Emily Fields, she'd never expected it to be quite this good.  
   
Emily sighs into the kiss too, and pushes in a little bit more and, well, okay, Jenna is officially impressed.  
   
It ends as suddenly as it begins; Emily snaps away, as if burned. Like she only just realized what she was doing. Jenna pulls back into herself as well, adjusting her glasses, and taking a small step backwards. There's a long, long silence that follows the kiss, and Jenna wishes she could see Emily's face, just to get an idea of what she's thinking right now.  
   
She wonders if Emily's heart is racing as fast as hers is right now. She hopes it is, though she isn't sure why.  
   
Emily clears her throat. Well, she says. Jenna can imagine her shoving her hands into her pockets and glancing around the street to see if anyone saw them.  
   
I'll tell Toby you came by, Jenna says, giving them both an out. He should be back soon after all.  
   
Yeah, thanks, Emily mumbles, and it's like the kiss never happened.  
   
Which, probably, is for the best.  
   
 

 **while drunk.**  
   
It just _happens_. Emily doesn't even mean for it to; her head's spinning from having one too many shots of rum, and Jenna's the one who finds her on the floor in one of the rooms upstairs, slumped against the bed. Oh, hey, woah, Jenna murmurs, and helps Emily to sit down on the bed, resting against the headboard.  
   
Thanks, Emily slurs. She reaches for Jenna's hand, squeezes it. I jus' need to sleep a little, I guess. I'm really tired. Her limbs are aching like she's just swum a five hundred meter sprint, and her body just feels so heavy. Jenna's hand is warm in hers and suddenly Emily is just overcome with the urge to kiss her.  
   
So she does.  
   
Oh. Jenna laughs into the kiss. Her hands slide up under Emily's shirt, fingers tracing small circles along Emily's back. It feels so much nicer than all the times with Ben, when they make out in his bedroom, or in the back of his car. She wishes that she could feel these sorts of things all the time, not just when she's buoyed up by liquid courage.  
   
S'nice, she mumbles, tipping her head back as Jenna trails kisses along her jaw, down the length of her neck. Jenna's fingers trace along the lace edging of Emily's bra. Just for tonight, Emily thinks, absently, pushes into Jenna's hand as it slips around to the front, covering her breast. She doesn't have to be Emily Fields, the perfect heterosexual girl right now. Not for a little while, anyway.  
   
(The next morning, she'll pretend it was all a dream.)  
 

   
 **in the library.**  
   
She knows.  
   
Emily probably doesn't think _anyone_ knows, maybe she doesn't even know it _herself_ , which just makes _Jenna_ knowing all the more delicious. She likes being able to see right through people and know who they really are -- almost, she thinks, as much as she likes the fact that at Noel Kahn's Halloween party, Emily couldn't take her eyes off her. It's even better because she's seen the way Emily looks at Alison, all starry-eyed with love, and all Jenna can think about is how jealous Alison must have been when she saw Emily staring at someone else.  
   
And not just _someone else_ : a girl. Jenna.  
   
It makes her laugh, thinking about the way Alison's blood must have boiled when she realized she wasn't the only girl who could catch Emily's eye. When she realized that, no, she wasn't really all _that_ special. Not in Emily's eyes, anyway, and Jenna knows that that's pretty much the only thing that counts.  
   
She corners Emily in the school library one day, during study hall. It's in the section where they keep all the back issues of magazines and newspapers, along with all the old school yearbooks. Emily's going through a stack of issues of _The New York Times_ , for their research project for English class. She's starting early; Jenna likes that, the fact that Emily isn't just some dumb jock. She could be. But she isn't. Jenna likes it when people surprise her.  
   
So, how about that party at Noel Kahn's? Jenna says. Just like that, because she can. Because she's not the one with something to hide.  
   
Emily blushes. I don't know what you're talking about, she says, not meeting Jenna's eyes. She folds down the newspaper she's holding, scribbles something down in her notebook. Reaches for a new paper. I'm kind of busy right now anyway, so --  
   
Oh, come on, Emily, Jenna says. She takes a step forward, closing the distance between them. Emily looks even more uncomfortable than before, and it makes Jenna grin. You remember, the Halloween party? She reaches forward and brushes a strand of raven hair out of Emily's eyes and Emily flinches visibly, blushing brighter than before.  
   
Jenna, Emily says slowly, her eyes searching Jenna's face.  
   
She doesn't seem to know if she should pull away or stay right here, so Jenna seizes the moment and leans forward, pressing their lips together. It's a soft, chaste kiss. Emily doesn't move at all, just lets Jenna kiss her. She's still holding onto the newspaper in front of her, between them like a shield. When Jenna pulls away a moment later, Emily is staring at her, her lips still parted slightly.  
   
Jenna smirks knowingly. I know you were watching me at the party. That's what you wanted to do, right?  
   
No, Emily says forcefully, looking panicked.  
   
You don't need to lie to _me_ , Jenna tells her, pulling the paper free from Emily's hands and setting it aside on the table. I don't care. I'm not Alison, you know.  
   
And _that_ seems to do the trick -- she shouldn't be surprised, really, that _Ali_ is Emily's trigger -- because Emily springs forward, grabbing Jenna by her sweatshirt and pulling her in. It's a much rougher kiss this time around, and Jenna just thinks _yes_ , because _this_ is what she wanted. For Emily to just be honest for once.  
   
Of course, it doesn't last; as soon as they break apart, Emily says quietly, I'm not gay. I'm _not_ , which is probably the most blatant lie Jenna's ever heard. Considering her heart's still racing and Emily's lipstick is smudged and her shirt is rumpled from where Jenna grabbed onto it.  
   
Jenna shrugs, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Whatever.  
   
I'm _not_. Emily insists again, and now she's back to sounding sad and desperate. Like she just _needs_ Jenna to believe her, more for her own edification than anything else. Jenna feels a little sorry for her, because of it; how sad a life Emily must lead, that Emily can't even be honest with herself.  
   
Don't worry, Emily, Jenna says with a smile, turning away. I won't tell.  
 

   
 **at the halloween party.**  
   
She's sitting outside, nursing her fourth cup of lukewarm beer of the night, still embarrassed at having been caught watching Jenna by Alison, when, as if on cue, Jenna appears in front of her. Emily blinks once, twice, just to make sure she isn't seeing things; her brain is already a bit fuzzy from the alcohol.  
   
Hey, Jenna says. Smiles. You're Emily, right? Alison's friend.  
   
Emily nods.  
   
I'm Jenna. Do you mind if I sit down? She doesn't wait for a response, just slides down onto the bench beside Emily. Her thigh presses against Emily's thigh and it's not really anything at all, it's just the most ordinary kind of thing, but it's enough to send a spark of desire shooting right through Emily. She tries not to think about it; she can't.  
   
Don't, she tells herself. _Don't_. It doesn't help.  
   
You know, Jenna says quietly, leaning over so that only Emily can hear her. I saw you watching me.  
   
Yeah, Emily says. There's a kind of alcohol-lust haze over her brain now, and it keeps her honest. She swirls the contents of her cup, before unceremoniously dumping the rest of her beer out into the bushes. She sets the cup down on the grass, turns to face Jenna. Yeah, she says again. I was.  
   
Jenna grins wolfishly at her. What were you thinking about?  
   
Emily shrugs. She's not drunk enough yet to be _that_ honest.  
   
Well, Jenna whispers, right up against Emily's ear. Her breath is hot against Emily's cool skin and it makes Emily shiver. Was it something like this? She puts a hand against Emily's cheek, cupping it, and draws Emily towards her.  
   
Oh, Emily thinks, right before their lips touch. Oh, oh, oh.  
   
Jenna tastes like beer and smells like Victoria's Secret perfume. Her costume bunches under Emily's hands, and her sunglasses end up falling off her forehead, clattering onto the bench. Before now, Emily has never really considered what it's like to kiss another girl -- mostly because she just can't bring herself to let those kinds of thoughts in, but also because she's been hoping she'll stop feeling all of these things about girls soon -- but as soon as Jenna's lips touch hers, Emily knows that she's been fighting a losing battle the whole way.  
   
And now she's finally lost.  
   
Oh, Emily says, when they pull away just a little bit, Jenna's mouth only a sliver of an inch away from her own. Yes. Something like that.


End file.
